In 2024, I came off my perfectly trained, hand-picked by me, very expensive (by my standards) horse – Handsome Willy… and broke my back.
And, as I’m learning, I also broke my heart and my mind on that day. I felt betrayed by myself – and my horse.
For me, it has been humiliating, astounding and almost insurmountable – the fear that came with this injury.
I’ve fallen off several times in my life – but not like this. This was different. I realized that my autonomic nervous system, which operates without conscious thought, has since been controlling me. Abject fear. Uncontrollable fear. “If you ride, you will die.”
They call it “implicit memory”. Even though the moment has passed – and you survived – the mind keeps replaying it as if it is happening now. It cannot separate that past moment vs the potential catastrophe (that didn’t happen then – but could happen at any moment) when around my horses.
I’ve learned a lot in the recent months after my injury. But most of all I’ve been humbled by my own inability to overcome this – simply. Mind over matter. Why doesn’t that work?
Implicit Memory. Fear.
Fear which keeps me from doing what I love. Fear that makes no logical sense. Yet, it grips me – even when I think it won’t.
I’ve searched for therapies. One (Brain Spotting) is helping greatly. I’ll tell you about it in future posts.
But for today, these are the two phrases I have taped to my computer:
May your choices reflect your hopes and not your fears.
and
(Kobe Bryant) “Wasting your time doubting whether you are going to be successful or not, is pointless.”
Every day is a do-over. Every moment is a do-over. You only get one life… and if you are lucky, you get a horse to share in that life.
I’ve decided to write about my journey getting back to myself (in progress) and getting back on my horse (in progress) – via my beautiful but incorrect mind, and Handsome Willy.





