I saw this clever ‘horse for sale’ ad.  The only think I would squeeze in there is the age, height and breed of Angel (although I’m guessing Arab).  Otherwise, most brilliant!

HORSE LOOKING FOR NEW HUMAN.

Horse: I am looking to get back into humans again…basically, looking for a human with no health issues, non smoker, non drinker, kind, caring, likes to pet on horses a LOT. I want a human who has loads of time on their hands to come see me, spend quality time with me, groom me well, and must give massages. Human must be in good physical shape, able to run on trail for miles, climb hills, mountains, and walk through streams without complaining. Human must load, clip, stand still when tied and not pull back, dance, or be impatient.

Color? I prefer a black human, first choice. Second choice a Caucasian, blond. Third choice Italian with brown hair. I want to take my human camping so they must not be wimpy or afraid of nature, bears, or cougars. No scaredy cat humans please! No greenhorn humans either! I want one who has lots of horse experience, who is confident all the time, is assertive, the type who stands up for themselves and me, a human who knows what they want in life, is responsible, holds a job, pays their bills, is in a stable relationship, non flakey in other words. Intelligence is a must!

The human I want must know how to sit a horse properly, balance their weight evenly on both sides, sit up straight, make sure stirrups are even length and definitely know how to saddle fit a horse!!! No hypochondriac humans please. I wish to only see the doctor and get poked and prodded if I am truly sick.

This human must have super light hands, bitless knowledge would be good, must know proper horse nutrition and how not to give me sugar and shit like that which is not good for my body. I want a human with patience and is low key, pleasant to be around, sweet demeanor and ground manners.

I want a human with no allergies please and no feet, arm problems or leg issues. Also no bitches or female humans who do heavy PMSing. A neutered man would be fine, or a calm easy going woman who is not bipolar, anal, or has neediness issues, co-dependent or is schizophrenic! I want a human who will not lose interest in me, considers me part of the family, as in we be together forever! I want a human who weighs no more than 175 lbs and is less than 5’8″ tall. Human must be up to date on their annual physical, vaccines, no ulcers, no biting nails or blemishes. Human age needs to be between 30 and 40 only! Must have no bad habits.

Price of human must be low as well.

Thank you,
Angel