OK, well, I’m not supposed to be a ranter on this blog so I won’t rant. I’ll just say, strongly, that I am a bit peeved by stoopid human tricks. This one galls me especially because it deals with a baby horse. Grrrr.
So, some chump comes by a barn in Hays, Kansas and inquires about the sale horses. He also inquires about the only horse not for sale. That horse is the one missing…. Hmmmmmm. Her name is RMH LADY DIANA and she just foaled on May 19.
Sometime during the night, the lock was broken and poor Lady was the only horse taken, leaving her tiny filly to fend for herself. Arg. This sort of stuff makes me crazy. Obviously, whomever took the mare has no concern about horses or they would have recognized the baby’s need for Mom.
The story gets a bit worse in that the owners remember that this chump (I shouldn’t say that since he is innocent until proven guilty), OK, so this chump actually told them that he works at the nearby feedlot. ??? What feedlot employee has any need to go buy a horse? Obviously, there are hundreds weekly that go through the feedlot. I’m pretty sure he could find just about anything he wanted there. Or, maybe he is a particularly picky feedlot worker who actually loves horses and is hoping to find his forever mount soon. Not.
I hope they find this yay-hoo quickly and return Mom to baby. In the meantime, I think the owners have found a nurse mare to help with the baby. Sheesh. Please read the above links and post this to your networking friends. Chump.
OK, shaking it off and moving on to other stuff…
THINGS THEY SHOULD INVENT
I know, I know, it isn’t that I walk around frustrated every day, but I do think of lots of items that would make my life on the ranch a bit easier. Don’t you? I mean, it isn’t as if I want to have an easy life around here. Gawd knows, if I do find things a bit too easy, I tend to bring on some chaos to liven it up a bit. So, really, these are just musings of what I would like to see invented coming from my sleepy noggin while going about my early morning chores…
1) BAD BALE RAVEN MAURAUDERS
I purchase 88 bales at a time from local growers. Not very often, but sometimes, they slip in a few bad bales which I would never notice because I have neighborhood teenagers stack the hay for me (in return, they get bigger muscles and gas money — both very important at that age).
I think that when you open a bad bale, a flock of trained ravens should pick it up and dump it onto the Hay Grower’s truck. And, if they cannot find the hay grower’s truck, they should gently drop the bale outside his home and wait for him to show up. Then, flake by flake, they can pelt him from above. They couldn’t hurt him, but they would let him deal with the mold and nasty instead of my horses. As payment, the ravens get necessary building materials and all the yummy seeds they could eat.
2) BUCKET DANCE MUSIC
I feed several horses their grain at once. They all have the place they stand for their particular bucket. However, once I turn away, the Bucket Dance begins. You know the steps – lead mare dosey dowes around the others to get as much grain as she can. The others alleyoop and sashey around to get back to whatever bucket is open. It is fabulous choreography and deserves music. I think the buckets should have this little add-on. I think you should be able to buy a ‘multiple feeder bucket reader’ that automatically recognizes when the original nose is no longer inside it. Then, the music starts. If you have every bucket equipped with this music sensor, imagine the cacophony of orchestration for dance! You could get any number of scores for each bucket. You could have all show tunes, or all rock, maybe square dance music, or if you really wanted to torture them, Sesame Street jingles. I don’t know but for me, if I knew I could just go back inside the house while this was happening, I’d smile for a little longer.
3) IRON MAN HALTER
Do you have any tall horses? Well, most of my horses are tall to me because I am short. Luckily, mine are fairly convivial horses and they bow their heads when Mom wants them to wear the strappy thing. But, I do have the youngsters and occasional hissyfit horses who just don’t want to comply with Shorty.
This is when you need the Iron Man Halter. Have you seen the movie? (If not, go now.) Robert Downey Jr just kinda steps into his uniform and it builds up around him. You hear a bunch of clicks and whirs and then the thing is all around him like a burst of metal glory. That is what I want. I want a halter that just barely senses the nose inside the noseband and it just goes to town! You hear whirs and clanks as it builds itself all over the misbehaving equine. The horse can back up or rear or do whatever it thinks is most evasive but the Iron Man Halter stays the course. In an instant, your fussy is haltered and the challenge is over.
I also think this halter should have a nano second of stunning spray once it has completed its fitting. That would give you time to snap on the lead rope and look at him/her very smugly. Click. Gotcha.
4) Flying Perp Poop Squad
This last one is inspired by the story of the missing horse above. I think it would be great to train owls or other large flying predators to sit in barns and be on patrol (heck, they’re awake anyway…). If anyone is doing anything untoward, the owls simply follow them into the night, pooping a trail. I think once the truck stops anywhere, all of the neighboring Perp Squads also ablute on the truck or the perp himself. It would be hard not to notice… And, if the Flying Perp Poop Squad took the advanced course, they could learn to bring back pieces of the perp’s barn or car. A license plate would be the best thing to rip off. After that, the address plate on the mailbox or house. Maybe they could learn to pickpocket for the wallet. Dunno. Anyway, I think our flying friends could be very helpful here.
Actually, perhaps the Flying Squad could do the work BEFORE the perp got back into his truck to drive home. I think maybe the rats could chew the wires and the owls could dive bomb until the perps just gave up the bad thing. Wouldn’t that be sweet?
Oh, I wish…