Category Archives: Things They Should Invent

The Onagers, The ‘Simply Dump It’ and more things I wish they would invent…






I have another hodgepodge today.

ONAGERS

Have you ever heard of an Onager?  I hadn’t either and the funny thing about that is there are TWO types of Onager.  I had heard of neither.

The first Onager I wish to discuss today came to my attention via MSNBC Animal Tracks.  I always look at those.  So, this week, I looked at the Animal Tracks and found this photo.  I thought it was a donkey but when I read the caption, it said Onager.  ?  What is an Onager?  So, I looked it up.

An Onager is a wild donkey, sort of.  It looks more like a donkey than a horse but has some horse-like qualities.  And, it has a different number of chromosomes than both the donkey (62) and the horse (64).  Onagers have 50-56 chromosomes depending upon the subset.  Those numbers seem like the zebra which has 32-46 depending upon the breed.

The description reads like the ”what you don’t want in a pet” book.  They are stubborn, almost impossible to train, bigger than a donkey both in weight and height, has the upright mane, donkey tail but horse legs.  They have a dorsal stripe, are beige with a white underbelly, usually have striped legs and are very stout and willful.  Hmmmmmm, kinda sounds like the Przewalski Horse that I wrote about on Father’s Day.

And, coincidentally, they come from the same regions as the Przewalski (Syria, Iran, Pakistan, India, Israel, and Tibet) and also are almost extinct. The subspecies of the Onager that are still living are the Mongolian Wild Ass, the Gobi Kulan (or Dziggetai), the Turkmenian Kulan, the Persian Onager, and the Indian Wild Ass (or Khur).  The extinct species is the Syrian Wild Ass, the very last one died in 1928 in a zoo.  There is an Onager protection society that has set up reserves in Mongolia.

Good to know.

THE OTHER ONAGER

The second Onager that came to my attention during a Google search was the weapon.  Have you ever heard of this?  Me neither but I bet your male friends have…  It is a medieval catapult type device.  Evidently, men dress up in odd specialty garb and have festivals to see who can built the largest one and which one will send some ball of something hurling through the air the farthest.  I’ve attached a link to an Onager festival video here.  Go figure.

SIMPLY DUMP IT

The Simply Dump It is an idea that must have come from someone who was sick of their wheelbarrow…  The Simply Dump It are additional handles that you put onto your wheelbarrow handles to eliminate the need for the extra ooomph at the end of dumping to get that last bit out.

OK, I have very mixed feelings regarding this product.  On the one hand, I think that this is America and if anyone comes up with an idea and wants to promote it, more power to them!  On the other hand, this item just seems like one more thing that our work-evasive American society doesn’t need.  Am I getting too controversial here?  I mean, OK, if you have carpal tunnel or have arthritis, I can totally see using this.  But, c’mon, that extra “clean and jerk” move at the end of the wheelbarrow run is what keeps my heart in good shape.  Or, at least helps.  Dunno. 

The website is industrial looking and easy to use.  It is clean without much jibberjabber.  The site is simple but detailed.  And, surprisingly, the Simply Dump It is relatively inexpensive.  The manufacturer took pains to keep it under $30 including shipping!  I thought that was nice.  So, on the whole, I feel this company has been very thoughtful.  So, maybe I’m being too harsh.

Look and tell me that I’m full of hot air and that this is the best thing since sliced bread.  Or, if you don’t already have one and want to buy one;  let me know how it goes.  Maybe the fact that I’m a shorty is why this doesn’t seem necessary.  Maybe tall people will love this.  Here is the website.

THINGS THEY SHOULD INVENT

1)  HORSE CAR WASH.  Standard.  Gold.  Platinum.  Simonize.

Wouldn’t it be great if there were stations somewhere convenient (maybe near an Oil Can Henry’s) where you could go to wash your horse.  I know, I know, I have a washrack and I’d still like this.  Here’s my idea…  You drive up to the easy turn-around and park station.  Out comes your horse and he is immediately blasted with a mist of mild sedation.  He calmly walks onto the sparkly clean matted stall with gleaming bumpers on the walls.  All you do is put your money in and push the button for whatever type of wash you want for that day.

Standard:  The usual.  Hose him down, scrub him up, rinse him off.  You choice of shampoos/conditioners   $10

Gold:  This setting allows you ample time to wash the mane and tail however, the big plus is that lightweight rubber suit arms appear and magically catch all the water that would normally run down your arms and into your bra.  It also provides a face shield for backsplash.  The Gold setting has a hoof spray pulse that will get all the gnarly mud balls and oogey stuff off from around there.  $20

Platinum:  This setting has all the above with the added specialty of udder and sheath cleaning.  You put your horse into the convenient cross ties and a set of bars come up from the floor and surround your horse.  Then, magic gentle fingers appear and expertly do their duty with luxurious creams and antibacterial soaps.  Your sedated horse hears lovely music and is fed apple sauce from a tube.  $45

Simonize:  This is the whole schebang.  You get all the above plus a coat shine, mane/forelock braid, tail styling, hoof polishing and a subliminal “how to be a good horse” tape which outlines all the finer points and plays directly into his horsey headphones   $60

2)  HORCHESTRA

I think someone should record several different horses with different ranges of vocalizations into orchestrations.  These horses could go on tour and be called the Horchestra.  They would be well cared for while on tour and really would only have to stand on stage since all of their covers would be pre-recorded.  I see vocalizing anything from Anne Murray (although not promoting this)  to Train.  Their CDs could be grouped into many categories and they’d also put out a Christmas Concert.  Of course, all profits would go to Equine Charities.

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Another Stolen Horse! Sheesh! And more ‘things they should invent’…






OK, well, I’m not supposed to be a ranter on this blog so I won’t rant.  I’ll just say, strongly, that I am a bit peeved by stoopid human tricks.  This one galls me especially because it deals with a baby horse.  Grrrr.

Below is the story from me.  You can also read the website for the particulars here or the poor stolen horse’s Facebook page.  Pisses me off…

So, some chump comes by a barn in Hays, Kansas and inquires about the sale horses.  He also inquires about the only horse not for sale.  That horse is the one missing…. Hmmmmmm.  Her name is RMH LADY DIANA and she just foaled on May 19.

Sometime during the night, the lock was broken and poor Lady was the only horse taken, leaving her tiny filly to fend for herself.  Arg.  This sort of stuff makes me crazy.  Obviously, whomever took the mare has no concern about horses or they would have recognized the baby’s need for Mom.

The story gets a bit worse in that the owners remember that this chump (I shouldn’t say that since he is innocent until proven guilty), OK, so this chump actually told them that he works at the nearby feedlot.  ???  What feedlot employee has any need to go buy a horse?  Obviously, there are hundreds weekly that go through the feedlot.  I’m pretty sure he could find just about anything he wanted there.  Or, maybe he is a particularly picky feedlot worker who actually loves horses and is hoping to find his forever mount soon.  Not.

I hope they find this yay-hoo quickly and return Mom to baby.  In the meantime, I think the owners have found a nurse mare to help with the baby.  Sheesh.  Please read the above links and post this to your networking friends.  Chump.

OK, shaking it off and moving on to other stuff…

THINGS THEY SHOULD INVENT

I know, I know, it isn’t that I walk around frustrated every day, but I do think of lots of items that would make my life on the ranch a bit easier.  Don’t you?   I mean, it isn’t as if I want to have an easy life around here.  Gawd knows, if I do find things a bit too easy, I tend to bring on some chaos to liven it up a bit.  So, really, these are just musings of what I would like to see invented coming from my sleepy noggin while going about my early morning chores…

1)  BAD BALE RAVEN MAURAUDERS

I purchase 88 bales at a time from local growers.  Not very often, but sometimes, they slip in a few bad bales which I would never notice because I have neighborhood teenagers stack the hay for me (in return, they get bigger muscles and gas money — both very important at that age).

I think that when you open a bad bale, a flock of trained ravens should pick it up and dump it onto the Hay Grower’s truck.  And, if they cannot find the hay grower’s truck, they should gently drop the bale outside his home and wait for him to show up.  Then, flake by flake, they can pelt him from above.  They couldn’t hurt him, but they would let him deal with the mold and nasty instead of my horses.  As payment, the ravens get necessary building materials and all the yummy seeds they could eat.

2)  BUCKET DANCE MUSIC

I feed several horses their grain at once.  They all have the place they stand for their particular bucket.  However, once I turn away, the Bucket Dance begins.  You know the steps – lead mare dosey dowes around the others to get as much grain as she can.  The others alleyoop and sashey around to get back to whatever bucket is open.  It is fabulous choreography and deserves music.  I think the buckets should have this little add-on.  I think you should be able to buy a ‘multiple feeder bucket reader’ that automatically recognizes when the original nose is no longer inside it.  Then, the music starts.  If you have every bucket equipped with this music sensor, imagine the cacophony of orchestration for dance!  You could get any number of scores for each bucket.  You could have all show tunes, or all rock, maybe square dance music, or if you really wanted to torture them, Sesame Street jingles.  I don’t know but for me, if I knew I could just go back inside the house while this was happening, I’d smile for a little longer.

3)  IRON MAN HALTER

Do you have any tall horses?  Well, most of my horses are tall to me because I am short.  Luckily, mine are fairly convivial horses and they bow their heads when Mom wants them to wear the strappy thing.  But, I do have the youngsters and occasional hissyfit horses who just don’t want to comply with Shorty.

This is when you need the Iron Man Halter.  Have you seen the movie?  (If not, go now.)  Robert Downey Jr just kinda steps into his uniform and it builds up around him.  You hear a bunch of clicks and whirs and then the thing is all around him like a burst of metal glory.  That is what I want.  I want a halter that just barely senses the nose inside the noseband and it just goes to town!  You hear whirs and clanks as it builds itself all over the misbehaving equine.  The horse can back up or rear or do whatever it thinks is most evasive but the Iron Man Halter stays the course.  In an instant, your fussy is haltered and the challenge is over.

I also think this halter should have a nano second of stunning spray once it has completed its fitting.  That would give you time to snap on the lead rope and look at him/her very smugly.  Click.  Gotcha.

4)  Flying Perp Poop Squad

This last one is inspired by the story of the missing horse above. I think it would be great to train owls or other large flying predators to sit in barns and be on patrol (heck, they’re awake anyway…).  If anyone is doing anything untoward, the owls simply follow them into the night, pooping a trail.  I think once the truck stops anywhere, all of the neighboring Perp Squads also ablute on the truck or the perp himself.  It would be hard not to notice…  And, if the Flying Perp Poop Squad took the advanced course, they could learn to bring back pieces of the perp’s barn or car.  A license plate would be the best thing to rip off.  After that, the address plate on the mailbox or house.  Maybe they could learn to pickpocket for the wallet.  Dunno.  Anyway, I think our flying friends could be very helpful here.

Actually, perhaps the Flying Squad could do the work BEFORE the perp got back into his truck to drive home.  I think maybe the rats could chew the wires and the owls could dive bomb until the perps just gave up the bad thing.  Wouldn’t that be sweet?

Oh, I wish…

HORSE AND MAN is a blog in growth… if you like this, please pass it around!
If you want an update on the Bucket Fund or to donate, please click on the photo (photo credit, Trish Lowe)




HORSE AND MAN is a blog in growth... if you like this, please pass it around!