Category Archives: Humor

Getting ready for the holidays… Words to warm hearts: A COMPILATION OF HORSE QUOTATIONS, SAYINGS AND PRAYERS






Today is the day before Thanksgiving… The day before the starting gates open and humans go a little crazy.

For me, I usually feel mellow on this day before the day.  Usually,  I like to give to my horses some extra love and attention – knowing that I may be busy in the days ahead.

So, today is warm mash day for them and a hot coffee ‘write out my Xmas cards’ day for me.  Actually, I will probably have to work most of the day, but in my heart, I’ll be thinking about my family and friends.

Since today is a warm and fuzzy prepare for the holidays day, I’ve decided to compile special horsey sayings/quotes and some prayers so that we can start off the festivities by honoring our furry loved ones.  I hope you enjoy scrolling through them.  I had fun creating this list.  Feel free to add more in the Comments section…

A COMPILATION OF HORSE QUOTATIONS, SAYINGS AND PRAYERS.

Tribute to the Horse by Robert Duncan
2006
09.09
Robert Duncan’s “Tribute To The Horse”  (read at every, Horse of the Year Show in London)
Where in this world can man find nobility without pride, friendship?without envy, beauty without vanity. Here, where grace is laced?with muscle, and strength by gentleness confined.  He serves without servility; he has fought without enmity. There is nothing so powerful, nothing less violent; there is nothing so quick, nothing more patient. Our past has been borne on his back.  All our history is his industry: we are his heirs, he is our inheritance. Ladies and Gentlemen: The Horse!

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FAMOUS SAYINGS…

There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man.  ~Winston Churchill

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.  ~W.C. Fields

It is not enough for a man to know how to ride; he must know how to fall.  ~Mexican Proverb

It’s always been and always will be the same in the world:  The horse does the work and the coachman is tipped.  ~Author Unknown

The wind of heaven is that which blows between a horse’s ears.  ~Arabian Proverb

There is no secret so close as that between a rider and his horse.  ~Robert Smith Surtees, “Chapter XXX: Bolting the Badger,” Mr. Sponge’s Sporting Tour, 1853

A horse loves freedom, and the weariest old work horse will roll on the ground or break into a lumbering gallop when he is turned loose into the open.  ~Gerald Rafert

All I pay my psychiatrist is the cost of feed and hay, and he’ll listen to me any day.  ~Author Unknown

A Hibernian sage once wrote that there are three things a man never forgets:  The girl of his early youth, a devoted teacher, and a great horse.  ~C.J.J. Mullen

In riding a horse we borrow freedom.  ~Helen Thomson

Wherever man has left his footprint in the long ascent from barbarism to civilization we will find the hoofprint of the horse beside it.  ~John Moore

Horses – if God made anything more beautiful, he kept it for himself.  ~Author Unknown

“All horses deserve, at least once in their lives, to be loved by a little girl.”
Author Unknown

“The horse.  Here is nobility without conceit, friendship without envy, beauty without vanity. A willing servant, yet never a slave.”
Ronald Duncan

“A true horseman does not look at the horse with his eyes, he looks at his horse with his heart.”
Author Unknown

“to ride or not to ride what a stupid question”

“7 days without horses makes one weak”

“whoever said money can’t buy happiness never bought horses”

“Riding a horse is not a gentle hobby to be picked up and laid down like a game of Solitaire.
It is a grand passion. It seizes a person whole and, once it has done so, he will have to accept
that his life will be radically changed .” Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Whoever said a horse was dumb, was dumb” -Will Rogers

ALSO saw a GREAT T-Shirt that was written upside down and backwards… “If you can read this, PLEASE put me back on my horse!”…

One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
– Jeffrey Bernard

Farriers are like cats.
They don’t like to go out in the rain
and they don’t come when you call them.

Grooming: the process by which the dirt on the horse is transferred to the groom

When riding my horse I no longer have my heart in my chest, but between my knees

One white foot, buy him.
Two white feet, try him.
Three white feet, be on the sly.
Four white feet, pass him by.

Ten Ways To Get In Shape To Own A Horse
1.    Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don’t pick it up right away. Shout “Get off,stupid! Get off!”
2.    Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice “Relaxing into the fall”. Roll lithely into a ball, and spring to your feet!
3.    Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse/pocket and write out a $200. check without even looking down.
4.    Jog long distances carrying a halter and holding out a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you’re doing.They might as well know now.
5.    Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling it to a halt. And smile as if you are really having fun.
6.    6. Hone your fibbing skills. “See hon, moving hay bales is fun!” and ” I’m glad your lucky performance and multi-million dollar horse won you first place – I’m just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place”.
7.    Practice dialing your chiropractors number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder, and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
8.    Borrow the US Army slogan; “Be all that you can be’…(add) bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled.”
9.    Lie face down in the mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself: “This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience,…”
10.    Marry Money!

You Know You’re A Horse Person When…
…your horse gets new shoes more often than you do.
…your mouth waters at the sight of a truck full of hay.
…every time you drive past a road construction sight you think what nice jumps the barricades would make.
…you consider a golf course as a waste of good pasture land.
…your friends no longer ask to get together after school/work or on a weekend because they know you’ll say, “I can’t, I have to ride.”
…you pull a $17,000 horse trailer with a $1,000 pick-up truck.
…you buy duct tape by the case, and carry rolls in your pocketbook, briefcase, backpack, and car trunk.
…you realize finding a horse shoe is truly lucky because you’ve saved ten bucks.
…your boyfriend complains that you love your horse more than you love him and you say: “And your point is..?”
…someone does something nice for you and you pat them on the neck and say ‘good boy’.
…you try to get by someone is a restricted space and instead of saying “excuse me” to him/her, you cluck at them instead.
…you show up for an appointment in your city clothes and when you get there people reach across the table to pick alfalfa out of your hair.
…no one wants to ride in your car because they’ll get sweet feed and hay in their socks and on their clothes…but that’s ok because you’ll have to rearrange all the tack to make room for them anyway!
…you look at all the piles of laundry sitting next to your washing machine and most of them are breeches, horse blankets, saddle pads, etc…. but you don’t even care about the horsey hair residue that will be left in your washer and dryer.
…you say “whoa” to the dog.
…your mother, who has no grandchildren, gets cards addressed to Grandma, signed by the horses and dogs.
…you see the vet more than your child’s pediatrician.
…you groom your horse daily for hours and you haven’t seen a beautician since…?
…someone asks for a screwdriver and you hand them a hoof pick.
…you clean tack after every ride but you never, ever, wash the truck.
…on rainy days, you organize the tack room, not the house.
…you can remember worming schedules, lessons, and farrier visits in your head, but often forget your class schedule, household chores, and meals.
…you are unreasonably pleased to get a horse item, ANY horse item, as a gift.
…you stop channel surfing at Budweiser Clydesdale commercials.
…books and movies are ruined for you if horsemanship references aren’t correct.
…you actually get to a point where flies don’t bother you that much anymore.

Horse Terminology!
Event Prospect = Big Fast Horse
Dressage Prospect = Big Slow Horse
Hack Prospect = Pretty Color
Sporting Prospect = Short Fast Horse
Camp Prospect = Fast Horse which can turn
Endurance Prospect = Fast Horse which will turn sometimes
Flashy = White Socks
Attractive = Bay
15.2hh = 14.3hhh
16.2hh = 15.3hh
To Loving Home = Only Expensive
To Show Home Only = Very Expensive
Needs Experienced Rider = Potentially Lethal
Elegant = Thin
In Good Condition = Foundered
Free Moving = Bolts
Quiet = Lame in Both Front Legs
Dead Quiet = Lame in All Four Legs
Good in Traffic (Bombproof) = Lame all Round, Deaf and Blind
Loves Children = Kicks and Bites
Pony Type = Small and Hairy
Arab Type = Looks startled
TB Type = Looks Terrified
Quarter Horse Type = Fat
Warmblood Type = Big and Hairy
Draught Type = Big and Exceedingly Hairy
Easy to Catch = Very Old
Must Sell = Wife has left home and taking kids
All Offers Considered = I am in Traction for 6 months

Nobody has ever bet enough on a winning horse.
– Richard Sasuly

Ride the horse in the direction that it’s going.
– Werner Erhard

The love for a horse is just as complicated as the love for another human being…if you never love a horse, you will never understand.

Never ride faster than your guardian angel can fly  (I love this one…)

The Horse’s Prayer
“To thee, my master, I offer my prayer. Feed me, water and care for me, and, when the day’s work is done, provide me with shelter, a clean, dry bed and stall wide enough for me to lie down in comfort.
Always be kind to me. Talk to me. Your voice often means as much to me as the reins. Pet me sometimes, that I may serve you the more gladly and learn to love you. Never strike, beat or kick me when I do not understand what you want, but give me a chance to understand you. Watch me, and if I fail to do your bidding, see if something is not wrong with my gear or my feet.
Do not check me so that I cannot have the free use of my head. If you insist that I wear blinders, so that I cannot see behind me as it was intended I should, I pray you be careful that the blinders stand well out from my eyes.
Do not overload me, or hitch me where water will drip on me. Keep me well shod. Examine my teeth when I do not eat; I may have an ulcerated tooth and that, you know, is very painful. Do not tie my head in an unnatural position, or take away my best defense against flies and mosquitoes by cutting off my tail. I cannot tell you when I am thirsty, so give me clean, cool water often. Save me, by all means in your power, from that fatal disease – the glanders. I cannot tell you in words when I am sick, so watch me, that by signs you may know my condition. Give me all possible shelter from the hot sun, and put a blanket on me, not when I am working but when I am standing in the cold. Never put a frosty bit in my mouth; first warm it by holding it a moment in your hands.
I try to carry you and your burdens without a murmur, and wait patiently for you long hours of the day or night. Without the power to choose my shoes or path, I sometimes fall on the hard pavements which I have often prayed might not be of cement but of such a nature as to give me a safe and secure footing. Remember that I must be ready at any moment to lose my life in your service.
And finally, o my master, when my useful strength is gone, do not turn me out to starve or freeze, or sell me to some cruel owner to be slowly tortured and starved to death; but do thou, my master, take my life in the kindest way, and your God will reward you here and hereafter. You will not consider me irreverent if I ask this in the name of Him who was born in a stable, Amen”

The Old One….

The young couple had made their usual hurried, pre-Christmas visit to the little farm where dwelt the elderly parents with their small herd of horses.  The farm had been named “Lone Pine Farm” because of the huge pine which topped the hill behind the farm, and through the years had become a talisman to the old man and his wife, and a landmark in the countryside.  The old folks no longer showed their horses, for the years had taken their toll, but they sold a few foals each year, and the horses were their reason for joy in the morning and contentment at day’s end.

Crossly, as they prepared to leave, the young couple confronted the old folks.  “Why do you not at least dispose of the “Old One.”  She is no longer of use to you.  It’s been years since you’ve had foals from her.  You should cut corners and save where you can.  Why do you keep her anyway?”  The old man looked down as his worn boot, scuffed at the barn floor, and his arm stole defensively about the Old One’s neck as he drew her to him and rubbed her gently behind the ears.  He replied softly, “We keep her because of love – only because of love.”

Baffled and irritated, the young folks wished the old man and his wife a Merry Christmas and headed back toward the city as darkness stole through the valley.  So it was, that because of the leave-taking, no one noticed the insulation smoldering on the frayed wires in the old barn.  None saw the first spark fall.  None but the “Old One”.

In a matter of minutes, the whole barn was ablaze and the hungry flames were licking at the loft full of hay.  With a cry of horror and despair, the old man shouted to his wife to call for help as he raced to the barn to save their beloved horses.  But the flames were roaring now, and the blazing heat drove him back.  He sank sobbing to the ground, helpless before the fire’s fury.

By the time the fire department arrived, only smoking, glowing ruins were left, and the old man and his wife.  They thanked those who had come to their aid, and the old man turned to his wife, resting her white head upon his shoulders as he clumsily dried her tears with a frayed red bandana.  Brokenly he whispered, “We have lost much, but God has spared our home on this eve of Christmas.  Let us, therefore, climb the hill to the old pine where we have sought comfort in times of despair.  We will look down upon our home and give thanks to God that it has been spared.”

And so, he took her by the hand and helped her up the snowy hill as he brushed aside his own tears with the back of his hand.  As they stepped over the little knoll at the crest of the hill, they looked up and gasped in amazement at the incredible beauty before them.  Seemingly, every glorious, brilliant star in the heavens was caught up in the glittering, snow-frosted branches of their beloved pine, and it was aglow with heavenly candles.  And poised on its top most bough, a crystal crescent moon glistened like spun glass.  Never had a mere mortal created a Christmas tree such as this.

Suddenly, the old man gave a cry of wonder and incredible joy as he pulled his wife forward.  There, beneath the tree, was their Christmas gift.  Bedded down about the “Old One” close to the trunk of the tree, was the entire herd, safe.

At the first hint of smoke, she had pushed the door ajar with her muzzle and had led the horses through it.  Slowly and with great dignity, never looking back, she had led them up the hill, stepping daintily through the snow.  The foals were frightened and dashed about.  The skittish yearlings looked back at the crackling, hungry flames, and tucked their tails under them as they licked their lips and hopped like rabbits.  The mares pressed uneasily against the “Old One” as she moved calmly up the hill and to safety beneath the pine.  And now, she lay among them and gazed at the faces of those she loved.  Her body was brittle with years, but the golden eyes were filled with devotion as she offered her gift — because of love — only because of love.

Author – Reverend David L. Griffith

ENJOY YOUR DAY, EVERYONE!

 

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My donkey and the Iocane powder.






For those of you who have yet to view THE PRINCESS BRIDE, stream or rent it immediately.

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NORMA JEAN AND THE IOCANE POWDER…

Now then… for the story of my donkey, Norma Jean, and the Iocane powder…

Clearly, she has seen the film.

Do you know how I know?

Because she is constantly looking for the poison in what I serve her.

MEDICINE

Norma Jean has Cushings.  Yes, I know, donks are not supposed to be able to become Cushings, but let this be a lesson for you.  Donks get laminitis, founder, IR and Cushings.  Especially if a neighbor feeds them carrots all day.

Sadly, due to these conditions brought on by my neighbor feeding extraordinary amounts of treats through the fence to Norma, she has had ample experience with poison (medicine) – and she is not having any of it.

I’ve tried disguising her meds in her favorite treats, and all that did was ruin her favorite treats for her.  Now, she will not touch an apple, pear, carrot, melon or bran muffin.

If I put a new ball of molassessy gooey yum (in desperation) or a little bit of something palate thrilling in front of her, it goes something like this:

Me:  Look at this new, wonderful treat I have for you!

NJ:  Uh, you take a bite first.

Me:  Why would I eat donkey food?

NJ:  Uhhuh, as I suspected…

Me:  No, I really do not like equine cookies… this is a treat for you.

NJ:  As I said, you bite it first.  If you survive, I will maybe eat it.

No matter what I bring to my donkey, she will be suspicious.  I can bring her an apple core and she will sniff and walk away.  “I didn’t see you take any bites…”

Literally, I have to eat an apple in front of her and give her a bite of exactly what I am eating before she will – maybe – take it.   Sadly, I’m not quick enough to slight of hand it so she doesn’t also see me put a pill into the bite I am removing from my mouth to give to her.

Norma can watch the others eat treats out of a bag in my hand, but if I reach my hand into the same bag of treats that I have just finished giving everyone else, she will demand proof of no medicine.

It is sad, really.  She won’t eat anything except what she knows to be safe.  Even if I am giving it to her.

Smart Donkey.

NICKER BAIT PILL CAMO

So, when I heard about Nicker Bait Pill Camo, I was immediately on board!  I thought the fragrance of these lovely treats would cover up the smell of the medicine and we’d be home free.  Also, being able to shove the pill inside the pit of yummy goo in the center was a real bonus.

The bag I ordered came almost immediately.  Yay!

So, I went around, specifically within sight of Norma, oohing and ahhhing to all the other horses as I presented and gave to them the luscious Pill Camos.

Oh man, all the horses gobbled up these gorgeous treats!  Of course, I made such a big deal and commotion over it all, the horses were lining up and jostling for position as I made my way around the pastures.

And then, it was Pony Pasture time.

So, I approached Slick with my mouth watering and throwing forth images of ice cream and cake… and Slick grabbed the Pill Camo out of my fingers as fast as he could!  Atta Boy!

And then came Norma’s turn.  She wanted to believe Slick, she wanted to partake… so I exclaimed excitedly and offered the morsel to NJ.

She sniffed…

and walked away.

I was CRUSHED.

I called to Norma and told her to “Look, look, Slick will eat yours!” – which he did.

She was not impressed.

I begged her to try.

NJ:  Nope. Shetlands can be very impetuous and not necessarily make decisions for their own good.

Me:  Aw C’mon Norma!  Everyone had one.

NJ:  Yes, but not everyone had the one you are presenting to me.

Sigh.

Case was closed.

So, I offered the last Pill Camo to Dodger who said, “I do what the donkey does…” and walked away after Norma.

I detect Iocane powder.

I detect Iocane powder.

I CAN CLEARLY NOT CHOOSE THE WINE IN FRONT OF ME…

Again, my exchange with Norma reminded me of the one of many awesome scenes in THE PRINCESS BRIDE.  I will share it for you fans.

Man in Black: All right. Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right… and who is dead.

Vizzini: But it’s so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy’s? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

Man in Black: You’ve made your decision then?

Vizzini: Not remotely. Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows, and Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.

Man in Black: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.

Vizzini: Wait till I get going! Now, where was I?

Man in Black: Australia.

Vizzini: Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder’s origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

Man in Black: You’re just stalling now.

Vizzini: You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you? You’ve beaten my giant, which means you’re exceptionally strong, so you could’ve put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you’ve also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

Man in Black: You’re trying to trick me into giving away something. It won’t work.

Vizzini: IT HAS WORKED! YOU’VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY! I KNOW WHERE THE POISON IS!

Man in Black: Then make your choice.

Vizzini: I will, and I choose – What in the world can that be?

Man in Black: [Vizzini gestures up and away from the table. Roberts looks. Vizzini swaps the goblets]

Man in Black: What? Where? I don’t see anything.

Vizzini: Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. First, let’s drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours.

Man in Black, Vizzini: [Vizzini and the Man in Black drink]

Man in Black: You guessed wrong.

Vizzini: You only think I guessed wrong! That’s what’s so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders – The most famous of which is “never get involved in a land war in Asia” – but only slightly less well-known is this: “Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line”! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha…

Vizzini: [Vizzini stops suddenly, his smile frozen on his face and falls to the ground dead]

Buttercup: And to think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned.

Man in Black: They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder.

 

JUNE BUCKET FUND:

FILTHY, SKIN and BONES: TOTAL, ABSOLUTE NEGLECT while with a trainer. Meet our June Bucket Fund Trio: Estelle, Gypsy and Royal.  CLICK HERE to read the story and donate!

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